Quick update

I should really be asleep now, but I haven’t updated this in a while and felt like doing so tonight.

Hmm… Well I did get the job I was talking about in my last post, go me. Been working there for a while now, it’s in a café. I guess it was pretty hard to begin with, all the anxiety issues and whatever… But I’m kind of used to it now, the people who work there are generally nice and I’m trying my hardest to not let it bother me anymore, I just want to work and get paid, I try not to let the social part of it ruin anything for me. It’s ruined so much already…

I’m mainly working towards saving up to move out, I feel like my time living here with my family here is done. I’ve had enough of just about every member of my family, even when I try to ignore them they still bother and hassle me, I’m so very far beyond tired of the petty arguments there are in this house. The only person I can tolerate lately has been my dad, but even he can be hard to get on with. Hopefully I can move out near the start of next year anyway, a new beginning?

Generally I’ve been okay since I last updated. Which is weird, I would usually have had a really low point in how I felt by now. Someone who was a big part of my life for 5-6 years is now no longer a part of my life… Mostly by my own doing, it’s just something I had to do. I know whenever they were in my life no good ever really came of it. Just longing, or depression.  It’s weird now I guess… At least there’s no more wondering or “what if’s”. I don’t know what to think about it, still. I think I’m better off without them. Hm. Not really sure what else to say tonight so I’ll just end it there I guess.

Truffle

Adopted an adorable hamster today, he was found wandering the streets and I had been wanting another hammy for a while, so I saw him in the newspaper and thought what better way to get another hamster than to adopt one. He’s very friendly for having been roaming such a dangerous city on his own, I thought the experience might have scared him but he seems happy now, running away on his wheel as fast as his little legs will carry him

Here is little Truffle less than an hour after being brought home.

On a side note, I may have a job this week, had an interview last week, hopefully I get it. I need something to do other than what I have been doing as of late… Which is not very much at all and is probably why I have been getting so depressed lately. I know I should go see a therapist or something, I just can’t find the courage to do it… Maybe working and having a reason to get up will make me feel better, but I know it’s not going to cure the anxiety. Everything feels like such a task at the moment, I have no energy and all artistic flair has dissapeared. Bragh. I have a new life to take care of, self pity can step aside for now.

Back home.

So, I’ve been back home for a few weeks now. It already seeems so long ago I was over there in Ireland, I don’t know why, boredom making things feel longer I guess? Some part of me still doesn’t believe I went and did that, that I was willing to walk away from my life and live in another country. I guess it just shows how terrible and mundane things here were. Coming back made me realize why I left, but also why I felt I had to come back. I can’t decide which outweighs the other, for now. I don’t know what it’s going to take to make this mind happy, I feel trapped. Over there I should have been happy, but the way I am prevented that for most of it. I’ve always admired free and open people, and wished so badly I could be like them. I tried, but I guess I just have to accept that a major part of my personality is that of a quiet nature. Yet when I do accept this and live in that quiet and isolated way I feel horrible for it. I wish I knew what I could do make me genuinely happy, so many other people get to be, so why shouldn’t I…? Ugh, I don’t know, I’ll stop with the woe is me thing for now.

So life when I got back. My dad picked me up from the airport along with my brother, as soon as I got in the car, arguing began. All I could think then was “why did I come back? What have I done?” etc.  My family all have problems, each and every one of them. My brother is the worst right now. Stealing, lying, manipulating, threatening and fits of rage are just some of the things my dad has to put up with. I can empathise with why he gets so angry, I just wish he’d deal with it in a better way. I know I need to get away from my family though, it feels suffocating living here and I’m constantly reminded of why I left… Not so far as Ireland this time, but I need my own place at least, ASAP. I feel I’ll be more myself once I do so, less restricted and frustrated, more happy. I hope so at least. Can’t think of anything else to say for now… Just wanted to update this, always good to look back on things, no matter how bad they get…

Why do I do this?

If I’m alone for long periods of time I get terribly lonely and even more so depressed than usual. Yet here I am living with someone, and all I can think about is how I can’t wait to get home and be alone again. I don’t understand myself… I’m beginning to understand my fluctuating moods though, and that I need to learn how to control the impulsive thoughts that come with these. They are mostly always self destructive and lead to no good, so I have to learn to control them and I am for the most part. Maybe it’s just that I’m living with him 24/7, but I’m sure I could do this with someone else… He is just too much to handle most of the time.  I shouldn’t be here living with him. I’m more a solitary, quiet type and I guess living with someone the polar opposite of you will take its toll after so long. This is as always just random ramblings, trying to collect my thoughts together on here. Sorry to anyone who reads this.

I don’t work in the real world.

I thought I could by forcing myself into it, but being a social outcast for years can’t be undone in a mere few weeks. Its such a frustrating and sad mindset to be stuck in, it seems so easy for others to socialize, while I just freeze up any time someone makes an attempt to have a simple conversation with me. Maybe I should go see a councillor or something? I have serious doubts that would work though. So what now, be a loner for the rest of my life? I can’t stop thinking, whats the point anyway when such a basic human need, comunication, seems impossible for me…

“I can read or figure out most people,

but not you.” I don’t know what to say to that, doesn’t suprise me though.

Well,

I’m there, it didn’t go how I wanted but I expected that… The journey was nice, I’m beginning to realize I feel better alone, maybe I’m just a loner by nature? Oh well, we’ll see. I want to travel more now, though. Take pictures. Etc.

This time tommorow.

I’ll be in a different country, living with new people. I’m really scared now… I know I’d regret not going if I decided not to though, regret is worse than being scared for a short amount of time… I hope it’s worth it.

One day.

Til i make one of the biggest decisions of my life. It could go either go brilliantly, I could have everything I’ve ever wanted since I can remember, or terribly wrong. Take a wild guess on which of the two I choose to think will happen… Blah. I guess I should be more positive.  I’m going to go live with someone I’ve known around 5-6years, he says it’ll be great, I hope he’s right. I want to feel alive again, I want to enjoy things again, not worry about the consequences of everything, I want to stop being so pessimistic.  Strangely I feel like I’ll miss my family… Though they really haven’t been the greatest of familys… I’m definately going to miss my pets . I’ve never been on a plane before. Should be interesting.

Today.

Didn’t get to sleep til 9 in the morning, woke up at 2 in the afternoon. Yeah I know how cliche the messed up sleeping thing is.  I guess I just need more reason to get up in the morning, college wasn’t enough unfortunenately, my future seemed hopeless then… Getting to sleep is a problem because my mind starts racing then, all my paranoia and worries set in. I wish i could just relax my mind, it does this at the most innappropriate times, any social situation pretty much and my mind will start racing, “they don’t like you, your not interesting, there looking down on you, why bother?” etc. It’s not easy to convice my mind otherwise either… Theres reasons I think like this but I’d rather not get into them today. May do a blog before I go to sleep, to show the things I think about then, they are mostly ridiculous but oh well.