Eeee

My finger tips may be numb, maybe.

I don’t know anymore

I’ve lost my way in life, but I guess I lost it a long time ago? This is more a genuine realization than anything else, I’d always known I’d screwed up etc, but this is a definite realization.

For years I have just been clinging to people, people I came across online, mostly due to my social retardation rendering me unable to form many real relationships with people in the real world… and deluding myself that they would give my life meaning somehow, that they could ‘fix’ me or makes things better. Sad, but the sad and bitter reality of my ‘life’.

Obviously non of these things worked out, because the old, “if you can’t love yourself you can’t love someone else” saying is true, unfortunately. Being anything other than a casual acquaintance of someone I’ve known has pretty much always turned out terrible, thus far. It has lead to stupid situations, so many regrets, and just so many other negative outcomes.

I need to change the plan. But what do I do? How does someone who has had such a bad start to life change it now, with no outside help from anyone?

I vaguely know what I want to do, I’d like to travel, to go back to college and to finish my HND in photography…  I guess I could do the first thing if I saved up long enough and planned well, but I am so scared of going back to college now after leaving twice before, that I don’t know if I’ll ever do it.

I’ll update this later, I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, just that I need to do something with my life, I can’t work part time in a café forever can I?

Quick update

I should really be asleep now, but I haven’t updated this in a while and felt like doing so tonight.

Hmm… Well I did get the job I was talking about in my last post, yay, back to the real world? Been working there for a while now, it’s in a café. I guess it was pretty hard to begin with, all the anxiety issues and whatever… But I’m kind of used to it now, the people who work there are generally nice and I’m trying my hardest to not let it bother me anymore, I just want to work and get paid, I try not to let the social part of it ruin anything for me. Ruined so much already anyway…

I’m mainly working towards saving up to move out, I feel like my time living here with my family here is done. I’ve had enough of just about every member of my family, even when I try to ignore them they still bother and hassle me, I’m so very far beyond tired of the petty arguments there are in this house. The only person I can tolerate lately has been my dad, but even he can be hard to get on with. Hopefully I can move out near the start of next year anyway, a new beginning?

Generally I’ve been okay since I last updated. Which is weird, I would usually have had a really low point in how I felt by now. Someone who was a big part of my life for 5-6 years is now no longer a part of my life… Mostly by my own doing, I guess it’s something I had to do. I know that whenever they were in my life no good ever really came of it. Just longing, or depression.  It’s weird now I guess… At least there’s no more wondering or “what if’s”. I don’t know what to think about it, still. I think I’m better off without them. Hm. Not really sure what else to say tonight so I’ll just end it there I guess.

Truffle

Adopted an adorable hamster today, he was found wandering the streets and I had been wanting another hammy for a while, so I saw him in the newspaper and thought what better way to get another hamster than to adopt one. He’s very friendly for having been roaming such a dangerous city on his own, I thought the experience might have scared him but he seems happy now, running away on his wheel as fast as his little legs will carry him

Here’s Truffle less than an hour after being brought home.

On a side note, I may have a job this week, had an interview last week, hopefully I get it. I need something to do other than what I have been doing as of late… Which is not very much at all and is probably why I have been getting so depressed lately. I know I should go see a therapist or something, I just can’t find the courage to do it… Maybe working and having a reason to get up will make me feel better, but I know it’s not going to cure the anxiety. Everything feels like such a task at the moment, I have no energy and all artistic flair has dissapeared. Bragh. I have a new life to take care of, self pity can step aside for now.

Back home.

So, I’ve been back home for a few weeks now. It already seeems so long ago I was over there in Ireland, I don’t know why, boredom making things feel longer I guess? Some part of me still doesn’t believe I went and did that, that I was willing to walk away from my life and live in another country. I guess it just shows how terrible and mundane things here were. Coming back made me realize why I left, but also why I felt I had to come back. I can’t decide which outweighs the other, for now. I don’t know what it’s going to take to make this mind happy, I feel trapped. Over there I should have been happy, but the way I am prevented that for most of it. I’ve always admired free and open people, and wished so badly I could be like them. I tried, but I guess I just have to accept that a major part of my personality is that of a quiet nature. Yet when I do accept this and live in that quiet and isolated way I feel horrible for it. I wish I knew what I could do make me genuinely happy, so many other people get to be, so why shouldn’t I…? Ugh, I don’t know, I’ll stop with the woe is me thing for now.

So life when I got back. My dad picked me up from the airport along with my brother, as soon as I got in the car, arguing began. All I could think then was “why did I come back? What have I done?” etc.  My family all have problems, each and every one of them. My brother is the worst right now. Stealing, lying, manipulating, threatening and fits of rage are just some of the things my dad has to put up with. I can empathise with why he gets so angry, I just wish he’d deal with it in a better way. I know I need to get away from my family though, it feels suffocating living here and I’m constantly reminded of why I left… Not so far as Ireland this time, but I need my own place at least, ASAP. I feel I’ll be more myself once I do so, less restricted and frustrated, more happy. I hope so at least. Can’t think of anything else to say for now… Just wanted to update this, always good to look back on things, no matter how bad they get…

Why do I do this?

If I’m alone for long periods of time I get terribly lonely and even more so depressed than usual. Yet here I am living with someone, and all I can think about is how I can’t wait to get home and be alone again. I don’t understand myself… I’m beginning to understand my fluctuating moods though, and that I need to learn how to control the impulsive thoughts that come with these. They are mostly always self destructive and lead to no good, so I have to learn to control them and I am for the most part. Maybe it’s just that I’m living with him 24/7, but I’m sure I could do this with someone else… He’s just too much to handle most of the time.  I shouldn’t be here living with him. I’m more a solitary, quiet type and I guess living with someone the polar opposite of you will take its toll after so long. This is as always just random ramblings, trying to collect my thoughts together on here. Sorry to anyone who reads this.

I don’t work in the real world.

I thought I could by forcing myself into it, but being a social outcast for years can’t be undone in a mere few weeks. Its such a frustrating and sad mindset to be stuck in, it seems so easy for others to socialize, while I just freeze up any time someone makes an attempt to have a simple conversation with me. Maybe I should go see a councillor or something? I have serious doubts that would work though. So what now, be a loner for the rest of my life? I can’t stop thinking, whats the point anyway when such a basic human need, comunication, seems impossible for me…

“I can read or figure out most people,

but not you.” I don’t know what to say to that, doesn’t suprise me though.

Well,

I’m there, it didn’t go how I wanted but I expected that… The journey was nice, I’m beginning to realize I feel better alone, maybe I’m just a loner by nature? Oh well, we’ll see. I want to travel more now, though. Take pictures. Etc.

This time tommorow.

I’ll be in a different country, living with new people. I’m really scared now… I know I’d regret not going if I decided not to though, regret is worse than being scared for a short amount of time… I hope it’s worth it.