Painted Tigers's Blog

Note to self,

paintedtigers — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 16:50:19 +0000

Never share those parts of yourself most people don’t get to see, with anyone ever again. Ever.

Those parts aren’t even what could be considered ‘bad’.

I’m not a bad person, I know I’m not, because hey, I’ve never gotten anywhere in life.

I digress, I’ve seen how horrible people can be, of course not just on TV or things I’ve read, I’ve seen it in all it’s raw form. I’m not like this and could never bring myself to be.

I’m always trying to do the right thing, however small what I may be doing actually is. I can’t live with any form of guilt. I can’t stand to lie about anything. I find meaning in the most ridiculous things possible at times. I can have epiphany’s sitting on a bus.

So what if i’m overly sentimental. Somewhat naive at times. So worried about disappointing or hurting anyone, regardless of who they may be. I try to please everyone, but that’s impossible, it ends up creating more problems than it solves sometimes.

Why are things like these used against me?

Why do they push people away or scare them?

Really, I’m just so tired of trying.

Numb

paintedtigers — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 20:49:02 +0000

I can’t do anything but distance myself from people and things at this period in my life, kind of ‘numb’ my self off from reality and how things are and what has happened.

Because whenever I start to let myself feel things like a real human being, it starts to hurt, so much that I just want to go back to that numb feeling, to escape things. I’ve screwed up irreparably and probably destroyed the one connection with a person that really made me feel alive, and to even think about that for more than a minute hurts too much. So I’ll just keep distancing myself from people and things… It’s the only way I’m going to stop myself from doing something stupid.

… Whatever. I can handle this. But how long does it have to last?…

High

paintedtigers — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 15:15:43 +0000

I’ve been on an oblivious to everything, numbed off from the reality of things, high these past three days. This happens quite alot, usually followed by a very low comedown, but I’ve always been too distracted by whatever was making me happy at that time to write about it. Now, I wonder how long it’ll be before I come crashing down from this…? Or maybe I can make myself stay this way somehow? I wish.

Oh, here’s some pictures I produced in this odd little period of time.

Eeee

paintedtigers — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 02:20:42 +0000

My finger tips may be numb, maybe.

Quick update

paintedtigers — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 01:27:07 +0000

I should really be asleep now, but I haven’t updated this in a while and felt like doing so tonight.

Hmm… Well I did get the job I was talking about in my last post, yay, back to the real world? Been working there for a while now, it’s in a café. I guess it was pretty hard to begin with, all the anxiety issues and whatever… But I’m kind of used to it now, the people who work there are generally nice and I’m trying my hardest to not let it bother me anymore, I just want to work and get paid, I try not to let the social part of it ruin anything for me. Ruined so much already anyway…

I’m mainly working towards saving up to move out, I feel like my time living here with my family here is done. I’ve had enough of just about every member of my family, even when I try to ignore them they still bother and hassle me, I’m so very far beyond tired of the petty arguments there are in this house. The only person I can tolerate lately has been my dad, but even he can be hard to get on with. Hopefully I can move out near the start of next year anyway, a new beginning?

Generally I’ve been okay since I last updated. Which is weird, I would usually have had a really low point in how I felt by now. I dunno. Stuff.

Truffle

paintedtigers — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 22:29:31 +0000

Adopted an adorable hamster today, he was found wandering the streets and I had been wanting another hammy for a while, so I saw him in the newspaper and thought what better way to get another hamster than to adopt one. He’s very friendly for having been roaming such a dangerous city on his own, I thought the experience might have scared him but he seems happy now, running away on his wheel as fast as his little legs will carry him

Here’s Truffle less than an hour after being brought home.

On a side note, I may have a job this week, had an interview last week, hopefully I get it. I need something to do other than what I have been doing as of late… Which is not very much at all and is probably why I have been getting so depressed lately. I know I should go see a therapist or something, I just can’t find the courage to do it… Maybe working and having a reason to get up will make me feel better, but I know it’s not going to cure the anxiety. Everything feels like such a task at the moment, I have no energy and all artistic flair has dissapeared. Bragh. I have a new life to take care of, self pity can step aside for now.

Back home.

paintedtigers — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:58:56 +0000

So, I’ve been back home for a few weeks now. It already seeems so long ago I was over there in Ireland, I don’t know why, boredom making things feel longer I guess? Some part of me still doesn’t believe I went and did that, that I was willing to walk away from my life and live in another country. I don’t know what it’s going to take to make this mind happy, I feel trapped. And so frustrated. Over there I should have been happy, but the way I am prevented it too often, things were perfect, I couldn’t have asked for anything more, and it kills me to think of what could have been…. I don’t even want to, it hurts too much when I really do.

So life when I got back. My dad picked me up from the airport along with my brother, as soon as I got in the car, arguing began. All I could think then was “why did I come back? What have I done?” etc. My family all have problems, each and every one of them. My brother is the worst right now. Stealing, lying, manipulating, threatening and fits of rage are just some of the things my dad has to put up with. I can empathise with why he gets so angry, I just wish he’d deal with it in a better way. I know I need to get away from my family though, it feels suffocating living here and I’m constantly reminded of why I left… I feel I’ll be more myself once I do so, less restricted and frustrated, more happy. I hope so at least. Can’t think of anything else to say for now… Just wanted to update this, always good to look back on things, no matter how bad they get…

Why do I do this?

paintedtigers — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 02:50:43 +0000

If I’m alone for long periods of time I get terribly lonely and even more so depressed than usual. Yet here I am living with people, these great people, but that feeling won’t leave me… I’m beginning to understand my fluctuating moods though, and that I need to learn how to control the impulsive thoughts that come with them. Mostly always self destructive and lead to no good, so I have to learn to control them and I am for the most part. “My cat scratched me.” lol.

I don’t work in the real world.

paintedtigers — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:58:57 +0000

I thought I could by forcing myself into it, but being a social outcast for years can’t be undone in a mere few weeks. Its such a frustrating and sad mindset to be stuck in, it seems so easy for others to socialize, while I just freeze up any time someone makes an attempt to have a simple conversation with me. Maybe I should go see a councillor or something? I have serious doubts that would work though. So what now, be a loner for the rest of my life? I can’t stop thinking, whats the point anyway when such a basic human need, comunication, seems impossible for me…

“I can read or figure out most people,

paintedtigers — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 21:21:25 +0000

but not you.” I don’t know what to say to that, doesn’t suprise me though.