29/08/2009
Back home.
Posted in family, isolation, People, Ramblings, social anxiety, travel tagged home, isolation, life, social anxiety, travel at 10:58 pm by paintedtigers
So, I’ve been back home for a few weeks now. It already seeems so long ago I was over there in Ireland, I don’t know why, boredom making things feel longer I guess? Some part of me still doesn’t believe I went and did that, that I was willing to walk away from my life and live in another country. I don’t know what it’s going to take to make this mind happy, I feel trapped. And so frustrated. Over there I should have been happy, but the way I am prevented it too often, things were perfect, I couldn’t have asked for anything more, and it kills me to think of what could have been…. I don’t even want to, it hurts too much when I really do.
So life when I got back. My dad picked me up from the airport along with my brother, as soon as I got in the car, arguing began. All I could think then was “why did I come back? What have I done?” etc. My family all have problems, each and every one of them. My brother is the worst right now. Stealing, lying, manipulating, threatening and fits of rage are just some of the things my dad has to put up with. I can empathise with why he gets so angry, I just wish he’d deal with it in a better way. I know I need to get away from my family though, it feels suffocating living here and I’m constantly reminded of why I left… I feel I’ll be more myself once I do so, less restricted and frustrated, more happy. I hope so at least. Can’t think of anything else to say for now… Just wanted to update this, always good to look back on things, no matter how bad they get…
07/08/2009
Why do I do this?
Posted in Ramblings tagged confusion, depression, isolation, Lonely, self destructive, social anxiety at 3:50 am by paintedtigers
If I’m alone for long periods of time I get terribly lonely and even more so depressed than usual. Yet here I am living with people, these great people, but that feeling won’t leave me… I’m beginning to understand my fluctuating moods though, and that I need to learn how to control the impulsive thoughts that come with them. Mostly always self destructive and lead to no good, so I have to learn to control them and I am for the most part. “My cat scratched me.” lol.
17/07/2009
I don’t work in the real world.
Posted in Ramblings tagged depression, isolation, social anxiety, social phobia at 4:58 pm by paintedtigers
I thought I could by forcing myself into it, but being a social outcast for years can’t be undone in a mere few weeks. Its such a frustrating and sad mindset to be stuck in, it seems so easy for others to socialize, while I just freeze up any time someone makes an attempt to have a simple conversation with me. Maybe I should go see a councillor or something? I have serious doubts that would work though. So what now, be a loner for the rest of my life? I can’t stop thinking, whats the point anyway when such a basic human need, comunication, seems impossible for me…
